Traffic Part 2: The End of Traffic

So last week I talked about how stupid traffic was, and how it doesn’t make any sense why it should even happen. Let’s continue, shall we?

For laughs, let’s say there ISN’T some son of a biscuit who starts rush hour every day on purpose. Let’s say that no one TRIES to make traffic during rush hour. Here’s what I don’t understand. What sort of team of raving lunatics designed the highway in a way that traffic could take place on its own?

Seriously, did they sit around and say to one another “Well, every single place in the WHOLE WORLD during the hours of 4PM – 6PM there is an unbelievable amount of traffic and everyone just sits there, but you know what? That’s surely won’t happen here! Just everywhere else on Earth!” Then they all heartily agree and drink ice tea while they count their money and copy and paste the design for the highway from some old highway they designed years ago. An old highway that has just as much traffic as this new one will, because they are idiots. I could do a better job myself, and I didn’t even go to school for it. Here’s my plan for a perfect road:

BAM. No traffic. There can’t be, because there’s no merge points or tunnels or toll booths or traffic lights. I just SOLVED TRAFFIC. Someone give me a trophy. 

“But Sceb,” I hear you lament, which is just a fancy word for ‘whine,’ “I live in a city where the road was already designed by someone who was not as smart or handsome as you, and traffic is a problem!” Well that sucks for you, huh? Maybe next time you’ll call me in to help BEFORE you make stupid choices. But I’m feeling pretty good today, what with just solving all future traffic for the world, so I’m going to help you out.

If we look at the problem behind traffic, it’s, again, that the person in front of you isn’t moving forward. So really, all we have to do is solve that one thing. Here’s what I propose. Put a big huge sign over the road with the numbers 3, 2, 1, and word GO on it. Link them all through the magic of technology (like, over the internet or something) and have them light up all along the highway simultaneously. How it works is that the numbers light up in order 3, 2, 1, GO and when GO lights up everyone slams the accelerator pedal all the way down.

BOOM. Solved. Since everyone is now going, the problem behind traffic is gone. No more stopping because the person in front of you is stopped. That person is now going.

What boggles my mind is that people up to this point have been too dumb to figure out such a simple solution. How long have we had common traffic lights? (I could look it up, but I don’t feel like it. Someone look it up.) It’s the same principal. Just no one applied it to solving any problems other than “how do we get people to not smash into each other when two roads cross?”

So there you go. I gave you the answers, now go out and fix it. If it isn’t fixed by this time next week, I’m going to be PISSED. Get off your lazy butts and fix it, you slugs. I’m not going to do everything for you.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is an award-winning civil engineer (self proclaimed) who has so many solutions to stupid problems if only people would shut up and listen to him.

If You Own a Car, Read This. Now.

You know what’s really stupid? Traffic.

Why does traffic exist? Does anyone LIKE traffic? The answer is no. No one likes traffic. If you think you like traffic you’re probably confusing what I’m talking about with something else, like pet birds or springtime or something. Traffic is where you sit in a hot car for hours because the idiots in front of you won’t MOVE OUT OF MY WAY. Today I thought I’d take a look at a few aspects of just how stupid traffic is.

Now look, I’m not talking about the kind of traffic that happens when they close a road or some incompetent fathead decides to drive his car into another person’s car for kicks. I’m talking about the “naturally occurring” kind that happens every single stupid day. They call it “rush hour.” As if giving it a name somehow makes it acceptable. WELL IT DOESN’T. You could call it “Happy Puppy Fun Time” and it’s still a miserable nightmare that shouldn’t happen.

First, traffic should not take place. Ever. If the car is not moving in front of you, it is because the car in front of it is not moving. If the car in front of it is not moving, then it’s because the car in front of IT is not moving. And so on and so forth. But you know what? SOMEWHERE A CAR HAS TO BE MOVING. Far, far down the line there are moving cars. There have to be or you aren’t on a road, you’re in the parking lot of WalMart and don’t understand that the countless vehicles in front of you have no drivers because everyone is inside buying cheaply made clothing and crappy movies on DVD for $5 out of bins like a farm animal might eat from. And, to clarify, cars with no drivers do not go, just as an FYI. Unless you leave the parking break off, which is another stupid thing because why would you not just make the car be securely parked when it’s stopped and turned off and how was I supposed to know it would roll down that hill into that pond and kill all those geese? But that’s not the point.

If somewhere there IS a car moving, then logic mandates that the car behind it would also be moving. And the car behind that one would also be moving. And somewhere, 20 miles back, the car I am in should be moving too since there are no cars in front of it NOT moving. That means that at some time during the beginning of rush hour some wise-cracking smart aleck decides to be the first one to stop moving. Well I have a message for that guy: I HATE YOU AND AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

You know what? I’m so fired up about this issue I can’t even contain it in one blog post. Next week I’m going to write “Traffic Sucks Part 2: Seriously, Traffic Really Sucks.” I’ll think it up while I’m no doubt sitting on the freeway tonight waiting for the imbecile in front of me to GO ALREADY. I know he can hear me honking, I’ve been holding the horn down for 20 minutes straight. 

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is really angry that stuff like traffic exists, and blames everyone else on the road because it sure isn’t HIS fault.

WHAT THE STUPID BISCUIT IS THIS?

MY ADS ARE GONE! I got an email from Google that said "We took away all your money because we wanted to" and now I can't make my million dollars from this blog! What the stupid crappy biscuit-eating scumbag blasted bugger booger biscuits!!!

Well that sucks! The heck with THIS! Why am I even doing a blog then?! Of all the crummy dag-gum lousy buttsniffing thundercatted leprocy-licking messed up evil garbage I've ever heard of!

...

Oh, right. I was supposed to get more fans that Fred. The money was a bonus. ... Okay. Well you people better get to following me then, because I just lost MILLIONS and I need cheered up! (Again, I assume millions. I don't know how much I had before they banned me. It was almost certainly at least two or three million dollars.)

...

You know, maybe this is a good thing. Here I was giving Google all kinds of ad space before, but now I've got ad space to spare and don't have to let those sons of biscuits have a single inch of it! Ha ha, suck on that you stupid giant dirtbag of a company! That'll show you not to mess with Sceb the space chicken: Future Leader of Earth! You don't get a free ride anymore! I can cut out the middle man and just run my OWN ads. Yeah, that's it. From now on I run an ad agency. Sceb's Ad Agency. For Not Losers Like Google.

If you'd like to advertise with SAAFNLLG, send me a check for a thousand dollars. Then I'll put up your ad here and suddenly you'll get a million hits, probably. Guaranteed! (No guarantees.) Best of all, we won't randomly ban you for no conceivable reason and act like idiots! No, we'll give you plenty of good reasons.

Then first act as Dictator of Earth is to crush Google under my boot. Specifically the person who banned me from my million dollars. You hear me, whoever you are? You're TOAST once I take over the Earth. Ha ha ha...

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is not someone you want to mess with, Google. You guys are jerks and from now on Sceb is using Yahoo. Yahoo is still around, right?

I already bought your stupid stuff, why ruin it?

I’m not going to get into the habit of talking about things I like on this blog, but Doritos are awesome. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. And don’t give me that “opinions can’t be wrong - they’re opinions” nonsense, because that’s just what people who are wrong say to try to be less wrong. Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about the positives of Doritos.

On to the negatives, which is what this blog post is all about.

So, I was in the kitchen the other day, looking for breakfast, and I found a big bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on the counter. Apparently SC had just been grocery shopping and didn’t hide the snacks yet. (He has to hide the snacks because otherwise people eat them instead of the awful fruit and vegetables he also gets. I don’t know why he buys stuff like bananas and broccoli, it doesn’t taste half as good as cupcakes and those little individual pies where you know the filling is just sugar even though it claims to be apples.) So since chips are one of the four basic breakfast food groups, I took the bag with me back to my room and ate them all. It said it was a family sized bag, but I wasn’t about to share. I felt sick halfway through the bag, but again, I was not about to share so I finished them all.

After polishing off the bag as I was laying there having trouble breathing I noticed they had stuff on the back. On the one side was stupid nutrition facts. Nutrition facts are stupid in their own right, but that’s another blog post, don’t get me started on nutrition facts. On the other side was the following text:

I could hardly believe the nonsense I was reading. What kind of idiotic rambling was this? Let’s break it down, because it’s far too much stupidity to take in all at once.

Is it Doritos brand or Cool Ranch brand? Make up your mind. And why did you put those words smaller than the others? Did you think we wouldn’t see them? Did you think it was a clever subtle way to subliminally tell us that Doritos are a brand? It’s not. You would have to be blind not to see that it says brand right there. You didn’t make it small enough if you wanted us to not read it. All you did was make it so it seemed like you were whispering “brand” halfway through the in-your-face propaganda telling me what to do and what I like. And that’s creepy. So to start off your little paragraph to me, you made me feel like you were a creepy crazy person who whispers words halfway through sentences. Like some sort of wild-eyed hobo beckoning from a dark alleyway. This is not going well so far.

I’m happy you put BALLISTIC in red type. Thank you. The word “ballistic” wasn’t extreme enough. By putting it in red you have sold me on just how incredible these chips are. Before I would have been like “Oh, the Doritos brand crunch is powerful!” but now I’m like “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE THANKS TO THE SUPREME POWER OF THE CRUNCH! DOOOOOOOOMED!” Thank you for also putting UNLEASHES in red. It wasn’t enough that you were being over the top with your verbiage there either. In red UNLEASHES means so much more to me. It strikes a chord in my very soul.

Also, an explosion of cool ranch flavor in my mouth? Firstly, I thought it was Cool Ranch BRAND flavor, what happened to that? Or is the flavor not branded? I’m so confused. But more importantly, why do you think that telling me something is going to explode inside me is a good thing to tell me? Isn’t that the sort of thing you want to hide about your product if it does that? How many people go looking for products at the supermarket that might injure them with an internal detonation? You’re doing a bang up job of convincing me not to eat these things, first by scaring me off with dangerous red text and now talking about how flavor is likely to burst through the flesh of my cheeks as I try to provide nourishment to my body. Heaven forbid it actually makes it to my stomach, because who KNOWS what might happen then.

More red words. Great. Maybe here it’s to distract you from the fact that what they just said is that Doritos are sentient beings. It CALLS ITSELF DORITOS brand. So apparently this isn’t the product of a company, but rather a life force which demanded that humans package it up in foil bags and unleash (I’m sorry, UNLEASH) it into the homes of unsuspecting consumers so that it can BALLISTICALLY EXPLODE in their mouths. I must say, that is a superb plan for global domination, and I’m sorry I didn’t think of it first. Then again, I’m not a delicious snack-food alien.

Finally

Despite common sense telling me to stop reading this inane marketing trash way back at the second sentence on the bag, I decided to see what great Doritos brand experiences lay in store for me at snackstrongproductions.com. Oh what a fool I was. The “great” experiences that I was invited to be part of were video ads for movies, xbox, and- seriously, I’m not just making things up to be funny- a mental hospital. A BAD mental hospital, from the looks of it, that told me if I went there I was going to die. It was not great. It was not good. It was WATCHING ADVERTISEMENTS.

Doritos, if you weren’t so tasty I would probably never eat you again thanks to what you put on your packaging. But you are, so I will. Even though now I know you are actually intelligent monsters set out to kill us all. 

So, so tasty…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a world famous connoisseur of snack foods and knows what's good and what's not. Anyone who disagrees with him is clearly wrong, whether they want to admit it or not.

Free money is free. If you don't want it, I'll take yours.

You might notice that this blog is SWIMMING in ads. You might, after noticing this, begin to wonder why if FredtheMonkey.com is ad-free, this blog is not. And at that point you might need to sit down because you are winded from thinking so much.

Look, JKR is like a father to me, and bless his lunatic mind for giving me life. I can’t in good consciousness speak badly about the guy. But frankly, he’s an idiot. Thousands of people come visit that crummy website of his every single day, and he doesn’t bother capitalizing on it! Which is why this blog post is titled “Why people who turn down free money are OUT OF THEIR MINDS.”

If you have the opportunity to get free money and you don’t, what is wrong with you? Maybe you don’t understand how money works. I’ll explain it to you, because I’m a nice guy like that. You use money to buy stuff, like pizza and shoes. If you can get money for free, it is like getting pizza and shoes for free!

From what I understand, some people keep their websites ad-free as some sort of noble gesture because folks who browse the internet prefer not to be drowned in a sea of advertisements. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! If you’re making a website that people want to go to, then who cares what they think? They’re coming to your website already! Like you, who’s reading this now. You’re already here, so what do I care if you’re annoyed that I put up ads? I’m going to make a million dollars! (I actually don’t really understand how putting up ads gets you money, only that it does and I assume it will be roughly a million dollars.) Once I have my million dollars I can pay people to come to my website, so if you’re annoyed it doesn’t matter. In fact, you’re the one missing out at that point because you could be one of the saps I hired to come to my blog and post “Ho ho! Good show old bean! This web log is the best web log I’ve ever read!” in the comments section.

My only issue is that they won’t let me put up MORE ads. Apparently you can’t swap the posting area and the ads in the sidebar to the right there. Think of how many more ads I could put in THIS spot! So, so many… And to be clear, I’m not selling out or anything. That will come later once Nike approaches me about endorsing their basketball shorts or something. Maybe Food Network will offer me my own line of cookware even though cooking for yourself is stupid because you can just go buy precooked food and microwave it. Oh and I’ll probably get my own cereal, and it’s going to be ENTIRELY those little marshmallows.  Scebby’s Charms or something. THEN I’ll be selling out! Mmm, yeah, that’ll be sweet… (Literally, considering the cereal will be 100% tiny little sugar rocks.)

Long story short, you’d be a fool to put up your hands and say “No, I must decline your free buckets of cash because I have some stupid benevolent objection to small rectangles of text.” It’s free and it isn’t hurting anyone. In fact, maybe it’s helping people, because they see the ads and think “I WAS just wondering what happened to my old college roommate and wanted a way to stalk him/her” and click on the link. So really, I’m doing people a favor. I’m practically a SAINT.

Blogs are stupid. Except this one.

Hey everybody, and welcome to my all new awesome blog, Stupid Stuff is Stupid.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Sceb! You’re totally above doing such commonplace things as blogging or tweeting or using public restrooms!” That’s true, I AM above such things. But then I found out Fred ‘I’m an idiot’ the Monkey has this Facebook account whatchamacallit (which I’m not going to link to, and don’t go looking for it because he doesn’t need any more hits). I didn’t think it was right for him to have a place where it says how many fans he has and me NOT to have a place where it said I had even more fans. Because we all know I have more fans than he does. It’s just the internet or Google or whatever might not know unless I have a fan counter someplace that has a higher number than his. (By the way, become one of my followers on the right side of the screen there or you’re not my friend anymore and also are a jerk.)

So what is “Stupid Stuff is Stupid”? It’s a blog, I would have thought you figured that out by now. I SAID it was a blog in the first paragraph. Did you skip right to the second paragraph or something? Idiot… Specifically it’s a blog written by me, Sceb the space chicken (that’s my picture up in the title image), about how stupid stupid stuff is. (Spoiler warning: Stupid stuff is stupid. But you should still come back and read my posts. Did you click the follow button yet? Just do it already.)

The blog will be updated every single day that starts with the word “Monday” and each post will be about something that is stupid and just how stupid it is on a scale of One to Stupid.(My plan is to use the word stupid so many times that it loses all meaning to you. That will be hilarious. You know, for me.)

Of course, if I don’t update the blog it’s because either I have more followers than Fred (the whole point of doing this blog) or because I didn’t feel like it. So don’t expect me to say another word to you after I get enough followers, or once I find something better to do. This is a temporary thing. I might get sick of it tomorrow. Heck, I might get sick of it halfway through this post! It’s already starting to get annoying. I must have been typing for three or four minutes at this point. What am I, Charles Dickens?

Apparently you can leave comments on blogs. If you want to do that, knock yourself out. No, not like slang for “go ahead” I mean literally knock yourself out for thinking of doing something so pointless. Commenting on a BLOG? You don’t have anything better to do with your time? I’ll give you something better to do, make me a sandwich. Anyway, if you really do want to leave a comment I guess you can do that, but don’t expect me to reply or even read them. I get enough emails from you people for the Mailbag, I don’t need any more ways to interact with you all. We’ll get enough one on one time* after I take over the planet and you’re all my slaves.

*By one on one time, I mean you will be issued daily orders by me on giant TV screens that will be installed on every city block. Not “one on one time” like that we will be having tea together or some garbage.

PS. It would be completely idiotic for you to point out that my negative attitude towards everyone reading this blog is not a good way to get followers or blog readers, because we just discussed** that I’m not going to read your dumb comments.

**By discussed, I mean I told you how it is and you sat and listened, like it should be.

Anyway, welcome to the best blog on the internet, chumps.

About the Author: Sceb the space chicken is an award winning blog-maker who has more talent in his little finger than Fred the Monkey does in three Fred the Monkeys. Which is even more impressive considering Sceb doesn't have fingers.