Traffic Part 2: The End of Traffic

So last week I talked about how stupid traffic was, and how it doesn’t make any sense why it should even happen. Let’s continue, shall we?

For laughs, let’s say there ISN’T some son of a biscuit who starts rush hour every day on purpose. Let’s say that no one TRIES to make traffic during rush hour. Here’s what I don’t understand. What sort of team of raving lunatics designed the highway in a way that traffic could take place on its own?

Seriously, did they sit around and say to one another “Well, every single place in the WHOLE WORLD during the hours of 4PM – 6PM there is an unbelievable amount of traffic and everyone just sits there, but you know what? That’s surely won’t happen here! Just everywhere else on Earth!” Then they all heartily agree and drink ice tea while they count their money and copy and paste the design for the highway from some old highway they designed years ago. An old highway that has just as much traffic as this new one will, because they are idiots. I could do a better job myself, and I didn’t even go to school for it. Here’s my plan for a perfect road:

BAM. No traffic. There can’t be, because there’s no merge points or tunnels or toll booths or traffic lights. I just SOLVED TRAFFIC. Someone give me a trophy. 

“But Sceb,” I hear you lament, which is just a fancy word for ‘whine,’ “I live in a city where the road was already designed by someone who was not as smart or handsome as you, and traffic is a problem!” Well that sucks for you, huh? Maybe next time you’ll call me in to help BEFORE you make stupid choices. But I’m feeling pretty good today, what with just solving all future traffic for the world, so I’m going to help you out.

If we look at the problem behind traffic, it’s, again, that the person in front of you isn’t moving forward. So really, all we have to do is solve that one thing. Here’s what I propose. Put a big huge sign over the road with the numbers 3, 2, 1, and word GO on it. Link them all through the magic of technology (like, over the internet or something) and have them light up all along the highway simultaneously. How it works is that the numbers light up in order 3, 2, 1, GO and when GO lights up everyone slams the accelerator pedal all the way down.

BOOM. Solved. Since everyone is now going, the problem behind traffic is gone. No more stopping because the person in front of you is stopped. That person is now going.

What boggles my mind is that people up to this point have been too dumb to figure out such a simple solution. How long have we had common traffic lights? (I could look it up, but I don’t feel like it. Someone look it up.) It’s the same principal. Just no one applied it to solving any problems other than “how do we get people to not smash into each other when two roads cross?”

So there you go. I gave you the answers, now go out and fix it. If it isn’t fixed by this time next week, I’m going to be PISSED. Get off your lazy butts and fix it, you slugs. I’m not going to do everything for you.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is an award-winning civil engineer (self proclaimed) who has so many solutions to stupid problems if only people would shut up and listen to him.