I already bought your stupid stuff, why ruin it?

I’m not going to get into the habit of talking about things I like on this blog, but Doritos are awesome. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. And don’t give me that “opinions can’t be wrong - they’re opinions” nonsense, because that’s just what people who are wrong say to try to be less wrong. Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about the positives of Doritos.

On to the negatives, which is what this blog post is all about.

So, I was in the kitchen the other day, looking for breakfast, and I found a big bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on the counter. Apparently SC had just been grocery shopping and didn’t hide the snacks yet. (He has to hide the snacks because otherwise people eat them instead of the awful fruit and vegetables he also gets. I don’t know why he buys stuff like bananas and broccoli, it doesn’t taste half as good as cupcakes and those little individual pies where you know the filling is just sugar even though it claims to be apples.) So since chips are one of the four basic breakfast food groups, I took the bag with me back to my room and ate them all. It said it was a family sized bag, but I wasn’t about to share. I felt sick halfway through the bag, but again, I was not about to share so I finished them all.

After polishing off the bag as I was laying there having trouble breathing I noticed they had stuff on the back. On the one side was stupid nutrition facts. Nutrition facts are stupid in their own right, but that’s another blog post, don’t get me started on nutrition facts. On the other side was the following text:

I could hardly believe the nonsense I was reading. What kind of idiotic rambling was this? Let’s break it down, because it’s far too much stupidity to take in all at once.

Is it Doritos brand or Cool Ranch brand? Make up your mind. And why did you put those words smaller than the others? Did you think we wouldn’t see them? Did you think it was a clever subtle way to subliminally tell us that Doritos are a brand? It’s not. You would have to be blind not to see that it says brand right there. You didn’t make it small enough if you wanted us to not read it. All you did was make it so it seemed like you were whispering “brand” halfway through the in-your-face propaganda telling me what to do and what I like. And that’s creepy. So to start off your little paragraph to me, you made me feel like you were a creepy crazy person who whispers words halfway through sentences. Like some sort of wild-eyed hobo beckoning from a dark alleyway. This is not going well so far.

I’m happy you put BALLISTIC in red type. Thank you. The word “ballistic” wasn’t extreme enough. By putting it in red you have sold me on just how incredible these chips are. Before I would have been like “Oh, the Doritos brand crunch is powerful!” but now I’m like “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE THANKS TO THE SUPREME POWER OF THE CRUNCH! DOOOOOOOOMED!” Thank you for also putting UNLEASHES in red. It wasn’t enough that you were being over the top with your verbiage there either. In red UNLEASHES means so much more to me. It strikes a chord in my very soul.

Also, an explosion of cool ranch flavor in my mouth? Firstly, I thought it was Cool Ranch BRAND flavor, what happened to that? Or is the flavor not branded? I’m so confused. But more importantly, why do you think that telling me something is going to explode inside me is a good thing to tell me? Isn’t that the sort of thing you want to hide about your product if it does that? How many people go looking for products at the supermarket that might injure them with an internal detonation? You’re doing a bang up job of convincing me not to eat these things, first by scaring me off with dangerous red text and now talking about how flavor is likely to burst through the flesh of my cheeks as I try to provide nourishment to my body. Heaven forbid it actually makes it to my stomach, because who KNOWS what might happen then.

More red words. Great. Maybe here it’s to distract you from the fact that what they just said is that Doritos are sentient beings. It CALLS ITSELF DORITOS brand. So apparently this isn’t the product of a company, but rather a life force which demanded that humans package it up in foil bags and unleash (I’m sorry, UNLEASH) it into the homes of unsuspecting consumers so that it can BALLISTICALLY EXPLODE in their mouths. I must say, that is a superb plan for global domination, and I’m sorry I didn’t think of it first. Then again, I’m not a delicious snack-food alien.

Finally

Despite common sense telling me to stop reading this inane marketing trash way back at the second sentence on the bag, I decided to see what great Doritos brand experiences lay in store for me at snackstrongproductions.com. Oh what a fool I was. The “great” experiences that I was invited to be part of were video ads for movies, xbox, and- seriously, I’m not just making things up to be funny- a mental hospital. A BAD mental hospital, from the looks of it, that told me if I went there I was going to die. It was not great. It was not good. It was WATCHING ADVERTISEMENTS.

Doritos, if you weren’t so tasty I would probably never eat you again thanks to what you put on your packaging. But you are, so I will. Even though now I know you are actually intelligent monsters set out to kill us all. 

So, so tasty…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a world famous connoisseur of snack foods and knows what's good and what's not. Anyone who disagrees with him is clearly wrong, whether they want to admit it or not.