You know what’s really stupid? Traffic.
Why does traffic exist? Does anyone LIKE traffic? The answer is no. No one likes traffic. If you think you like traffic you’re probably confusing what I’m talking about with something else, like pet birds or springtime or something. Traffic is where you sit in a hot car for hours because the idiots in front of you won’t MOVE OUT OF MY WAY. Today I thought I’d take a look at a few aspects of just how stupid traffic is.
Now look, I’m not talking about the kind of traffic that happens when they close a road or some incompetent fathead decides to drive his car into another person’s car for kicks. I’m talking about the “naturally occurring” kind that happens every single stupid day. They call it “rush hour.” As if giving it a name somehow makes it acceptable. WELL IT DOESN’T. You could call it “Happy Puppy Fun Time” and it’s still a miserable nightmare that shouldn’t happen.
First, traffic should not take place. Ever. If the car is not moving in front of you, it is because the car in front of it is not moving. If the car in front of it is not moving, then it’s because the car in front of IT is not moving. And so on and so forth. But you know what? SOMEWHERE A CAR HAS TO BE MOVING. Far, far down the line there are moving cars. There have to be or you aren’t on a road, you’re in the parking lot of WalMart and don’t understand that the countless vehicles in front of you have no drivers because everyone is inside buying cheaply made clothing and crappy movies on DVD for $5 out of bins like a farm animal might eat from. And, to clarify, cars with no drivers do not go, just as an FYI. Unless you leave the parking break off, which is another stupid thing because why would you not just make the car be securely parked when it’s stopped and turned off and how was I supposed to know it would roll down that hill into that pond and kill all those geese? But that’s not the point.
First, traffic should not take place. Ever. If the car is not moving in front of you, it is because the car in front of it is not moving. If the car in front of it is not moving, then it’s because the car in front of IT is not moving. And so on and so forth. But you know what? SOMEWHERE A CAR HAS TO BE MOVING. Far, far down the line there are moving cars. There have to be or you aren’t on a road, you’re in the parking lot of WalMart and don’t understand that the countless vehicles in front of you have no drivers because everyone is inside buying cheaply made clothing and crappy movies on DVD for $5 out of bins like a farm animal might eat from. And, to clarify, cars with no drivers do not go, just as an FYI. Unless you leave the parking break off, which is another stupid thing because why would you not just make the car be securely parked when it’s stopped and turned off and how was I supposed to know it would roll down that hill into that pond and kill all those geese? But that’s not the point.
If somewhere there IS a car moving, then logic mandates that the car behind it would also be moving. And the car behind that one would also be moving. And somewhere, 20 miles back, the car I am in should be moving too since there are no cars in front of it NOT moving. That means that at some time during the beginning of rush hour some wise-cracking smart aleck decides to be the first one to stop moving. Well I have a message for that guy: I HATE YOU AND AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
You know what? I’m so fired up about this issue I can’t even contain it in one blog post. Next week I’m going to write “Traffic Sucks Part 2: Seriously, Traffic Really Sucks.” I’ll think it up while I’m no doubt sitting on the freeway tonight waiting for the imbecile in front of me to GO ALREADY. I know he can hear me honking, I’ve been holding the horn down for 20 minutes straight.
ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is really angry that stuff like traffic exists, and blames everyone else on the road because it sure isn’t HIS fault.
You hit the nail on the head, Sceb.
ReplyDeleteI agree, traffic does suck. I think I played an entire Pokemon game from start to finish during rush hour once, and that just proves how bad it can get sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnother stupid thing about traffic is that most people try to avoid traffic by going a different route, and they end up causing traffic because the people behind him/her follow his/her's vehicle like fish to water.
~DJG~