Gotta HAND it to you, KERCHIEFS are stupid.

You know what doesn’t make a lot of sense? Handkerchiefs. For those of you who are young and don’t bother learning stuff thanks to the internet and Wikipedia so you don’t know what that is, a handkerchief is a small square of fabric that you keep in your pocket and functions like a permanent Kleenex. They don’t use them a whole lot anymore, except to look dapper and snooty when you get all dressed up. And even then, most of the time they’re FAKE handkerchiefs that are just there to make you look cooler than you really are. 

But ignoring the fact that we MAYBE have figured out how stupid handkerchiefs are these days, what kind of brain-dead imbecile EVER thought it was a good idea? So, let’s think about this. You are an upscale gentleman or proper lady. You feel a sneeze coming on. Quickly you remove your convenient handkerchief and delicately exhale boogers into the cloth. Then you fold it up and put it back in your pocket. Um… EWW?

I understand that in “the old days” they didn’t know about things like germs. Heck, they used hacksaws as operating tools and probably didn’t bother washing them off before or afterward. But still, if you secrete some sort of slime from your body doesn’t it make sense that you wouldn’t then put that slime into your pocket? That’s like keeping your toenail clippings in jars. That’s weird.

Worse still is the fact that a chivalrous thing to do in these days of old was to OFFER your handkerchief to a woman who perhaps was tearing up over a play at the theater, or a puppy that had been run over by a horse and carriage. “Here my good lady,” you’d exclaim, handing over your disease filled snot rag, “do dry your tears and try not to worry.”

Key words being DISEASE FILLED SNOT RAG.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Sceb, we don’t really do that sort of thing anymore. Doesn’t that prove we’ve gotten less stupid?” No. No it doesn’t. Shut your stupid face. That we carry on this sick tradition by including handkerchief-like pocket squares in our tuxedo rentals proves that we’re still idiots and think that sort of practice was a good one. Well, that YOU people are idiots. I don’t rent tuxedos. I buy mine. From a little sweatshop in Canada that sells knockoffs. You’d be surprised how many people think Georgo Armanni is the proper way to spell that brand name.

Bonus fun fact: I had no idea that handkerchiefs was spelled that way until I wrote this post. I thought it was hankerchiffs. Learn something new every day. Something totally and completely useless and new.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken does not know what idiot invented disease filled snot rags that you keep in your pocket, but if he had to bet he'd say it was a grave-digger who needed more business but didn't want to out-right stab people.