What is this I don't even

Alright, when I started this blog I thought I might enjoy complaining about some odd things here and there that I came across. And yeah, it’s called Stupid Stuff is Stupid. But I had no idea that just a few weeks into this venture I’d come across something so mind-bogglingly DUMB that it would make my head hurt. Here’s the story.

At our house Space Chicken keeps the scissors locked in a cabinet above the fridge, because at some point or another Fred found out that you shouldn’t run with scissors and said he was going to “stick it to the man” by running with them all he wanted. He got cut up a lot, but sadly didn’t impale himself or anything before SC took them all away. Anyway, now SC carries the key with him at all times and some days I get a new DS game when he isn’t home and have to wait for him to get back before I can open it. Those plastic seals are a pain in the butt when you don’t have fingernails. Or fingers.

So I decided to get a pair for myself secretly to keep in my desk where Fred wouldn’t find them. He went in my desk once, and let’s just say when he got out of the hospital three weeks later he could barely remember his name, let alone that I had drawers in my desk. I went down to Lowes Home Improvement Store, where I assumed they would have scissors since they have all sorts of things to cut other things with. (As a side note, it’s stupid that they no longer have the power tools plugged in at all times, it used to be a lot to fun to turn them all on and see who could cut through the garage doors first.)

You can imagine my delight when I found a bin full of cheap scissors for sale. You can also imagine my long, confused stare when I pulled this out of the bin:

So… what you might notice (as I did) is that these scissors are sealed in tear-proof plastic. There is also a plastic pull-tie on the handles. Plastic that you would, you know, need to cut off before use. Need to cut off… with… SCISSORS.

Yeah, that’s right. You need to USE the thing that is sealed in plastic to OPEN the thing that is sealed in plastic. So if you don’t already own a pair of scissors, you are SCREWED. You can never open them. Unless, I guess, you go buy a saw, which ironically are not wrapped in plastic. In fact, the dangerous multi-toothed saws have no protective measures on them at all. 

I guess they’re concerned that someone might hurt themselves while removing the scissors from the large bin of scissors. At first this frustrates me, because as a competent individual who is unlikely to JAM HIS ARM into a vat of scissors to remove a pair, I would frankly like to see those people who are dumb enough to do that DO THAT. Maybe they’d learn a lesson when they removed their arm and found dozens of blades lodged in their flesh. 

But once that frustration passes, okay, I can see the safety issue there, sure. So then maybe DON’T STORE SCISSORS IN A GIANT BIN. Would it kill you to just hang them like you do the saws? Clearly you don’t fear people running over to the saw display and grinding their faces against the jagged edges. Though you probably should, and while we’re on the subject I think you should have a background check on anyone who buys a nail gun, because the other day Fred came home with one without any trouble. Thankfully he didn’t understand that you also needed an air compressor for it to work. (“That’s stupid,” he said, “air is free, I’m not going to pay for it just because it’s in a big metal container!”) The point is, there has to be some other solution than rendering the items you’re selling worthless without having first obtained the item you’re selling. 

Maybe instead of making newly purchased scissors useless without previously purchased scissors to open them with, you could just put up a little sign that says “Hey morons, scissors are sharp.” Surely that will cover all the legal bases for when said morons cut themselves because they didn’t bother reading your sign. And if it doesn’t, well then the legal system is clearly broken and needs reworked. Signs that start with “Hey morons” should be a cover-all against lawsuits.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a licensed attorney at law specializing in how to protect yourself from stupid people. His law license may or may not be forged.