Aug 15, 2011

More like Soap on a Dope!

I went to WalMart yesterday. I go there to stare at the greeters and make them uncomfortable. I just stand on the other side of the glass doors and look at them until they come over and ask if I need help and then I tell them “no” and go see if they've got any good sales on DS games. Anyway, on my way to the video games, which are in the back of the store by the way which is stupid because how many people go there to buy clothes? They put the clothes in the front of the store when everyone knows people go to WalMart to buy cheap, crappy electronics, so they really should put the games in the front so I don't have to walk as far. Jerks.

What was I saying? Right, walking through WalMart. I was almost halfway there, and slightly out of breath, when I meandered past the Health and Beauty product section. There's a wealth of S.S.I.S. topics right there, but what was most odd was one aisle completely stocked with different colored bottles of soap. Yes, there is an entire ROW at the store with soap. Not a shelf. Not even a section of a row. THE WHOLE THING.

What's worse is, there were a few people there buying some of the soap that was super expensive. I figured maybe they were blind so I'd do a good deed (really I just wanted to yell at them) and I went over and said “Excuse me, but I believe you're making a small error and I'd like to help you.”
Ha ha, yeah right, I actually said “Hey dummy, what the biscuit do you think you're doing?” (What am I, the Pope?) They looked at me funny and I showed them that the bottles of soap on the bottom shelf called “Value-wiz” were, like, half the price of the ones they were buying. They said something totally idiotic like “I like this brand better” or some garbage and walked away. I thought about drop kicking them in the butt, but I'm already on probation at WalMart from the last time I tipped over the $5 DVD bin looking for copies of Rush Hour 3 (aka the BEST Rush Hour). How else are you supposed to see what's at the bottom? It's not my fault they stock their DVDs like imbeciles.

Which brings me to my point today. Whoever thinks Rush Hour 1 or 2 was superior is clearly a moron. No, wait, that's not it. It's that soap is SOAP, by definition, and if you spend more because one bottle has a prettier label then you are completely stupid beyond belief.

Let's look at soap for a minute. The purpose of soap is to get things clean. If soap does not get something clean, it is NOT SOAP. It is something else that does not get things clean. So if you buy soap and it doesn't get things clean, then you just return it and say “Hey, crackpot, I bought this mysterious goo from your store and some dimwit filled the bottle with something that isn't soap. Give me twice my money back or I'll sue you into next week!”

And the idea that one soap could be better than another soap makes no sense. What is it going to do, get something MORE clean? THERE IS NO SUCH THING. If you have a clean car, you can't wash it again to get it MORE clean. If you can get it MORE clean do you know what it was after you washed it the first time? DIRTY. It was never clean. If the front of your SUV is shiny and waxed and the back is totally covered in mud, your SUV is not clean. So the idea that there is some super soap that makes things extra clean is asinine and idiotic. Especially when that super soap is like eight bucks a bottle. No sir, I'll stick with the regular soap that does the exact same thing for 99 cents, thank you very much. And while you're at it, throw in a copy of The Land Before Time 7 from that DVD bargain bin. They really knocked it out of the park with that sequel.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a famous life coach, and tries to save people money if they would stop being stupid idiots and just take his amazing advice.


  1. Eight dollars for "fancy soap" is cheap compared to what "fancy soap" we have at our WalMart. No freakin' joke, it runs up to at least 15 to 20 dollars.

  2. Took me a minute to figure out what SSIS stood for.

    I don't think I trust myself with a computer anymore.

  3. In your defense, it's the first time I used SSIS in one of the blog posts. I should probably do it more often. Maybe next week's will just be SSIS over and over and over again so people remember it.

  4. This reminds me of another stupid thing that is stupid. Have you ever seen those commercials for those automatic soap pumps? Like you put your hand under it and the soup comes out (or, you would, if you had hands)? They advertise it saying "You'll never have to touch a germy soap pump again!" Well, let's say I have a regular manual soap pump, and let's say I need to wash my hands. So I go to the soap pump, and push down on it, the germs from the soap pump gets on my hand, and then I WASH OFF THOSE GERMS WITH THE SOAP. Therefore, a germy soap pump is not a problem, and whoever chose to advertise their soap pumps like that is an idiot.


Don't post stupid comments. If you have to ask yourself if your comment is stupid, then it probably is so save us all some time and don't bother posting it. You can change it so it isn't stupid, but if you didn't get it right the first time I don't have high hopes that a revision will help. Just sayin.