Traffic Part 2: The End of Traffic

So last week I talked about how stupid traffic was, and how it doesn’t make any sense why it should even happen. Let’s continue, shall we?

For laughs, let’s say there ISN’T some son of a biscuit who starts rush hour every day on purpose. Let’s say that no one TRIES to make traffic during rush hour. Here’s what I don’t understand. What sort of team of raving lunatics designed the highway in a way that traffic could take place on its own?

Seriously, did they sit around and say to one another “Well, every single place in the WHOLE WORLD during the hours of 4PM – 6PM there is an unbelievable amount of traffic and everyone just sits there, but you know what? That’s surely won’t happen here! Just everywhere else on Earth!” Then they all heartily agree and drink ice tea while they count their money and copy and paste the design for the highway from some old highway they designed years ago. An old highway that has just as much traffic as this new one will, because they are idiots. I could do a better job myself, and I didn’t even go to school for it. Here’s my plan for a perfect road:

BAM. No traffic. There can’t be, because there’s no merge points or tunnels or toll booths or traffic lights. I just SOLVED TRAFFIC. Someone give me a trophy. 

“But Sceb,” I hear you lament, which is just a fancy word for ‘whine,’ “I live in a city where the road was already designed by someone who was not as smart or handsome as you, and traffic is a problem!” Well that sucks for you, huh? Maybe next time you’ll call me in to help BEFORE you make stupid choices. But I’m feeling pretty good today, what with just solving all future traffic for the world, so I’m going to help you out.

If we look at the problem behind traffic, it’s, again, that the person in front of you isn’t moving forward. So really, all we have to do is solve that one thing. Here’s what I propose. Put a big huge sign over the road with the numbers 3, 2, 1, and word GO on it. Link them all through the magic of technology (like, over the internet or something) and have them light up all along the highway simultaneously. How it works is that the numbers light up in order 3, 2, 1, GO and when GO lights up everyone slams the accelerator pedal all the way down.

BOOM. Solved. Since everyone is now going, the problem behind traffic is gone. No more stopping because the person in front of you is stopped. That person is now going.

What boggles my mind is that people up to this point have been too dumb to figure out such a simple solution. How long have we had common traffic lights? (I could look it up, but I don’t feel like it. Someone look it up.) It’s the same principal. Just no one applied it to solving any problems other than “how do we get people to not smash into each other when two roads cross?”

So there you go. I gave you the answers, now go out and fix it. If it isn’t fixed by this time next week, I’m going to be PISSED. Get off your lazy butts and fix it, you slugs. I’m not going to do everything for you.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is an award-winning civil engineer (self proclaimed) who has so many solutions to stupid problems if only people would shut up and listen to him.

If You Own a Car, Read This. Now.

You know what’s really stupid? Traffic.

Why does traffic exist? Does anyone LIKE traffic? The answer is no. No one likes traffic. If you think you like traffic you’re probably confusing what I’m talking about with something else, like pet birds or springtime or something. Traffic is where you sit in a hot car for hours because the idiots in front of you won’t MOVE OUT OF MY WAY. Today I thought I’d take a look at a few aspects of just how stupid traffic is.

Now look, I’m not talking about the kind of traffic that happens when they close a road or some incompetent fathead decides to drive his car into another person’s car for kicks. I’m talking about the “naturally occurring” kind that happens every single stupid day. They call it “rush hour.” As if giving it a name somehow makes it acceptable. WELL IT DOESN’T. You could call it “Happy Puppy Fun Time” and it’s still a miserable nightmare that shouldn’t happen.

First, traffic should not take place. Ever. If the car is not moving in front of you, it is because the car in front of it is not moving. If the car in front of it is not moving, then it’s because the car in front of IT is not moving. And so on and so forth. But you know what? SOMEWHERE A CAR HAS TO BE MOVING. Far, far down the line there are moving cars. There have to be or you aren’t on a road, you’re in the parking lot of WalMart and don’t understand that the countless vehicles in front of you have no drivers because everyone is inside buying cheaply made clothing and crappy movies on DVD for $5 out of bins like a farm animal might eat from. And, to clarify, cars with no drivers do not go, just as an FYI. Unless you leave the parking break off, which is another stupid thing because why would you not just make the car be securely parked when it’s stopped and turned off and how was I supposed to know it would roll down that hill into that pond and kill all those geese? But that’s not the point.

If somewhere there IS a car moving, then logic mandates that the car behind it would also be moving. And the car behind that one would also be moving. And somewhere, 20 miles back, the car I am in should be moving too since there are no cars in front of it NOT moving. That means that at some time during the beginning of rush hour some wise-cracking smart aleck decides to be the first one to stop moving. Well I have a message for that guy: I HATE YOU AND AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

You know what? I’m so fired up about this issue I can’t even contain it in one blog post. Next week I’m going to write “Traffic Sucks Part 2: Seriously, Traffic Really Sucks.” I’ll think it up while I’m no doubt sitting on the freeway tonight waiting for the imbecile in front of me to GO ALREADY. I know he can hear me honking, I’ve been holding the horn down for 20 minutes straight. 

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is really angry that stuff like traffic exists, and blames everyone else on the road because it sure isn’t HIS fault.

WHAT THE STUPID BISCUIT IS THIS?

MY ADS ARE GONE! I got an email from Google that said "We took away all your money because we wanted to" and now I can't make my million dollars from this blog! What the stupid crappy biscuit-eating scumbag blasted bugger booger biscuits!!!

Well that sucks! The heck with THIS! Why am I even doing a blog then?! Of all the crummy dag-gum lousy buttsniffing thundercatted leprocy-licking messed up evil garbage I've ever heard of!

...

Oh, right. I was supposed to get more fans that Fred. The money was a bonus. ... Okay. Well you people better get to following me then, because I just lost MILLIONS and I need cheered up! (Again, I assume millions. I don't know how much I had before they banned me. It was almost certainly at least two or three million dollars.)

...

You know, maybe this is a good thing. Here I was giving Google all kinds of ad space before, but now I've got ad space to spare and don't have to let those sons of biscuits have a single inch of it! Ha ha, suck on that you stupid giant dirtbag of a company! That'll show you not to mess with Sceb the space chicken: Future Leader of Earth! You don't get a free ride anymore! I can cut out the middle man and just run my OWN ads. Yeah, that's it. From now on I run an ad agency. Sceb's Ad Agency. For Not Losers Like Google.

If you'd like to advertise with SAAFNLLG, send me a check for a thousand dollars. Then I'll put up your ad here and suddenly you'll get a million hits, probably. Guaranteed! (No guarantees.) Best of all, we won't randomly ban you for no conceivable reason and act like idiots! No, we'll give you plenty of good reasons.

Then first act as Dictator of Earth is to crush Google under my boot. Specifically the person who banned me from my million dollars. You hear me, whoever you are? You're TOAST once I take over the Earth. Ha ha ha...

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is not someone you want to mess with, Google. You guys are jerks and from now on Sceb is using Yahoo. Yahoo is still around, right?