Oct 23, 2011

It's Just Water In That Bottle

I can't believe you ignoramuses actually buy bottled water. Are you kidding me? You know you can go to the hose out back and get free water, right? And it's just like drinking out of a bottle except easier because the water comes to you instead of you having to pour it into your mouth. And it tastes better. Probably because garden hoses make water more delicious. It's a proven fact, look it up. You don't have to look it up, I just told you it was.

I'm going to start selling other free things and see how many idiots buy them. Hey, you like wind? Well, you're going to love my patented “Box 'o' Breeze” now just $24 a pop. It's like regular wind and not even better but it costs money now. So yeah! That's pretty awesome and you should buy some.

Even more ridiculous is this idea of FILTERED water they push now. Oh I'm sorry, is tap water that we've been drinking for 100 years suddenly not good enough? We don't give cows filtered water, and we eat them. We don't water vegetables with filtered water, they get it out of the sky (and then it goes down through DIRT!) So whatever is in the water is in us now anyway. No real reason I see to try and fight it.

I don't praise hippies very often, but the whole “one with nature” hullabaloo is one of the things they get right. That and not wearing shoes. Shoes are uncomfortable and stupid.


  1. So you don't wear shoes? I was under the impression that space chickens did, if they wore socks. Or are those a suitable replacement for shoes for a space chicken?

    PS, where do I send the money to help you... take over the world or something?

  2. I would buy a box 'o' breeze if it means you could take over the world. But that's the only reason. I'm not stupid, I know I could get the same thing for free. Where do I buy one of those boxes 'o' breeze?

  3. Yes. Thank you. THANK. YOU. The ridiculous trend of selling water needs to stop.

    Oh, and also, they're selling oxygenated water now. Cause, y'know, I have gills in my stomach.


Don't post stupid comments. If you have to ask yourself if your comment is stupid, then it probably is so save us all some time and don't bother posting it. You can change it so it isn't stupid, but if you didn't get it right the first time I don't have high hopes that a revision will help. Just sayin.