What's Up, Chumps?

Hey, yeah, so I have this blog still. I totally forgot about it. Today I went online to FredtheMonkey.com to find a picture of Fred that I could attach to a dartboard and throw things at (darts, nails, really anything pointy) and saw my face there at the top and remembered this thing existed. So here I am, telling all you losers who have been stopping by every week for two years without any updates that you're really dumb for doing that.

Like, seriously, every week for two years? I think it's time to take a hint. And that hint is "I'm not updating this blog anymore you should get on with your life." Of course if you've been coming back so long it's pretty likely you don't have a life, so step one would be "Get a life." Here's a surefire way to do that:

How to Get A Life

A primer for hopeless idiots who have been showing up to this blog for two years waiting for an update.

1) Stop showing up to this blog waiting for updates.
2) Buy a 3DS.

There you go, I fixed it for you. Now you don't have to wander the streets anymore contemplating if your life is meaningless without Stupid Stuff is Stupid updates. You'll have a nice shiny 3DS to keep your mind from having to struggle with deeper thought. That's why they exist, to distract us from bigger questions like why we exist. And now just talking about bigger questions have started me thinking about them so I'm going to stop talking and get back to numbing my brain with hours of Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon.

About the Author: Sceb the space chicken hasn't been here for two years and has no idea why this blog still manages to get several hits a day.

It's December

Well, it's finally December, and you know what that means. Time to get everything planned for the big day on the 25th! This year I'm going to capture Santa if it's the last thing I do.

I don't want to give too much away here, because I have suspicions that Old Fat Nick reads my blog, but let's just say when the tubby bearded man gets down the chimney this year he'll be TRAPPED like a BEAR, if you catch my drift.

(I set up a bear trap.)

If that doesn't work, I've got a backup where I tranquilize the reindeer while he's downstairs and then chase him down on foot. The guy weights like 400 pounds. I'm sure I can outrun him.

If you've got any good suggestions (please read keyword GOOD not stupid) let me know. I'll gladly steal them from you. You can consider it a Christmas gift to me if you want.

It's Just Water In That Bottle

I can't believe you ignoramuses actually buy bottled water. Are you kidding me? You know you can go to the hose out back and get free water, right? And it's just like drinking out of a bottle except easier because the water comes to you instead of you having to pour it into your mouth. And it tastes better. Probably because garden hoses make water more delicious. It's a proven fact, look it up. You don't have to look it up, I just told you it was.

I'm going to start selling other free things and see how many idiots buy them. Hey, you like wind? Well, you're going to love my patented “Box 'o' Breeze” now just $24 a pop. It's like regular wind and not even better but it costs money now. So yeah! That's pretty awesome and you should buy some.

Even more ridiculous is this idea of FILTERED water they push now. Oh I'm sorry, is tap water that we've been drinking for 100 years suddenly not good enough? We don't give cows filtered water, and we eat them. We don't water vegetables with filtered water, they get it out of the sky (and then it goes down through DIRT!) So whatever is in the water is in us now anyway. No real reason I see to try and fight it.

I don't praise hippies very often, but the whole “one with nature” hullabaloo is one of the things they get right. That and not wearing shoes. Shoes are uncomfortable and stupid.

What's The Word I'm Looking For?

Now that I’ve been doing this blog for a while, I realize that the word “stupid” might be losing some of it’s pizzazz because of how often I use it. Sure, I could put it in BOLD RED TEXT like Doritos might, but instead I thought I’d just learn a few new words that meant the same thing. And since I was at the mall yesterday, I stopped into the bookstore there to pick up a Thesaurus.

Except a thesaurus was $19.99. 

 

What the biscuit kind of madness is this? Twenty dollars for a book filled with words? There’s not even a story or pictures! It’s just words! Not only that, but a little website called Thesaurus.com gives you the exact same thing for free. What kind of brain-dead numbskull would pay money for something they could get for free?!

Okay, so stop right there. I know you’re thinking “Sceb weren’t you going in to that store to buy a thesaurus?” Yeah, okay, but I thought it would be like a dollar. And I was already there and then I wouldn’t have to come home and turn on my computer and wait for it to load, yadda yadda yadda. I wouldn’t spend $20 on it, obviously. Except the fact that it was on the shelf for $20 means someone WOULD. Some dense, doltish, gullible, half-witted sluggard who is ruining it for the rest of us because if they refused to pay $20 then the store would have to cut the price down to a dollar and I could get one. How senseless. And also simpleminded, slow, and stolid.

When I told my brother SC about it, he started going off about “the economy” this and “supporting bookstores” that. What moronic pointlessness. If they want me to support their precious published word, they shouldn’t have given me access to it FOR FREE beforehand. They should have charged me UP FRONT and given me no choice but to pay for it. That’s not my fault, that’s their own foolish, puerile decision. 

On a completely unrelated note, I expect you all to buy the upcoming FredtheMonkey.com DVD featuring all the old cartoons from 2003 – 2006. I’m going to use the money to buy a mechanical bull for the basement.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a world class expert at riding mechanical bulls. At least he would be if he could get enough money to buy one so he could practice. 

Hey Buttheads, You Aren't Doing Your Jobs

So, that little "followers" widget thing has been sitting at 33 for a really long time, I don't know if you noticed. I hope you didn't notice, because if you noticed and didn't DO anything about it, I should punch you in the face. 

Here's how this works. I write hilarious and mind-opening blog posts about stuff that is dumb and then YOU read the posts and laugh at how awesome they are and then tell everyone you meet on the street (yeah, homeless people might have internet access too) so that I get more followers than Fred has on Facebook. That's the deal here. I've been doing my part, and you all have been sucking.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're saying. "Sceb, you haven't been doing your part. You missed last week's update and everything." It's called QUALITY OVER QUANTITY, jerk face, look it up. It means it doesn't matter how many blog posts I write as long as they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. And they are. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and they probably smell. 

"But Sceb," you continue because you don't seem to have learned your lesson about talking back and you need more whippings, "doesn't quality over quantity apply to what we do too? Wouldn't you rather have fewer, more loyal followers than a bunch of random people?" No I wouldn't rather have that! Did you not read what I posted above? The point is to have more people than Fred! Not BETTER people than Fred. I already know I have better followers than Fred. I get tons of email saying how they're my biggest fan and would gladly help me take over the world just to let them know when! Fred gets, like, no emails like that. (Mostly because if I see any of those come into the inbox I delete them, but that's another story.)

So help me help YOU. Help me. Help me help you help me. What do I need to do here to get you off your lazy butts and spreading news of Stupid Stuff is Stupid to every human being on earth? Write more? Reply to your idiotic comments like JKR tells me I should? Hand out cookies? WHAT?!

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is confused why you dimtwits aren't doing your part to take down Fred the Monkey's ego, and is convinced it isn't his own fault. 

More like Soap on a Dope!

I went to WalMart yesterday. I go there to stare at the greeters and make them uncomfortable. I just stand on the other side of the glass doors and look at them until they come over and ask if I need help and then I tell them “no” and go see if they've got any good sales on DS games. Anyway, on my way to the video games, which are in the back of the store by the way which is stupid because how many people go there to buy clothes? They put the clothes in the front of the store when everyone knows people go to WalMart to buy cheap, crappy electronics, so they really should put the games in the front so I don't have to walk as far. Jerks.

What was I saying? Right, walking through WalMart. I was almost halfway there, and slightly out of breath, when I meandered past the Health and Beauty product section. There's a wealth of S.S.I.S. topics right there, but what was most odd was one aisle completely stocked with different colored bottles of soap. Yes, there is an entire ROW at the store with soap. Not a shelf. Not even a section of a row. THE WHOLE THING.

What's worse is, there were a few people there buying some of the soap that was super expensive. I figured maybe they were blind so I'd do a good deed (really I just wanted to yell at them) and I went over and said “Excuse me, but I believe you're making a small error and I'd like to help you.”

Ha ha, yeah right, I actually said “Hey dummy, what the biscuit do you think you're doing?” (What am I, the Pope?) They looked at me funny and I showed them that the bottles of soap on the bottom shelf called “Value-wiz” were, like, half the price of the ones they were buying. They said something totally idiotic like “I like this brand better” or some garbage and walked away. I thought about drop kicking them in the butt, but I'm already on probation at WalMart from the last time I tipped over the $5 DVD bin looking for copies of Rush Hour 3 (aka the BEST Rush Hour). How else are you supposed to see what's at the bottom? It's not my fault they stock their DVDs like imbeciles.

Which brings me to my point today. Whoever thinks Rush Hour 1 or 2 was superior is clearly a moron. No, wait, that's not it. It's that soap is SOAP, by definition, and if you spend more because one bottle has a prettier label then you are completely stupid beyond belief.

Let's look at soap for a minute. The purpose of soap is to get things clean. If soap does not get something clean, it is NOT SOAP. It is something else that does not get things clean. So if you buy soap and it doesn't get things clean, then you just return it and say “Hey, crackpot, I bought this mysterious goo from your store and some dimwit filled the bottle with something that isn't soap. Give me twice my money back or I'll sue you into next week!”

And the idea that one soap could be better than another soap makes no sense. What is it going to do, get something MORE clean? THERE IS NO SUCH THING. If you have a clean car, you can't wash it again to get it MORE clean. If you can get it MORE clean do you know what it was after you washed it the first time? DIRTY. It was never clean. If the front of your SUV is shiny and waxed and the back is totally covered in mud, your SUV is not clean. So the idea that there is some super soap that makes things extra clean is asinine and idiotic. Especially when that super soap is like eight bucks a bottle. No sir, I'll stick with the regular soap that does the exact same thing for 99 cents, thank you very much. And while you're at it, throw in a copy of The Land Before Time 7 from that DVD bargain bin. They really knocked it out of the park with that sequel.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a famous life coach, and tries to save people money if they would stop being stupid idiots and just take his amazing advice.

What is this I don't even

Alright, when I started this blog I thought I might enjoy complaining about some odd things here and there that I came across. And yeah, it’s called Stupid Stuff is Stupid. But I had no idea that just a few weeks into this venture I’d come across something so mind-bogglingly DUMB that it would make my head hurt. Here’s the story.

At our house Space Chicken keeps the scissors locked in a cabinet above the fridge, because at some point or another Fred found out that you shouldn’t run with scissors and said he was going to “stick it to the man” by running with them all he wanted. He got cut up a lot, but sadly didn’t impale himself or anything before SC took them all away. Anyway, now SC carries the key with him at all times and some days I get a new DS game when he isn’t home and have to wait for him to get back before I can open it. Those plastic seals are a pain in the butt when you don’t have fingernails. Or fingers.

So I decided to get a pair for myself secretly to keep in my desk where Fred wouldn’t find them. He went in my desk once, and let’s just say when he got out of the hospital three weeks later he could barely remember his name, let alone that I had drawers in my desk. I went down to Lowes Home Improvement Store, where I assumed they would have scissors since they have all sorts of things to cut other things with. (As a side note, it’s stupid that they no longer have the power tools plugged in at all times, it used to be a lot to fun to turn them all on and see who could cut through the garage doors first.)

You can imagine my delight when I found a bin full of cheap scissors for sale. You can also imagine my long, confused stare when I pulled this out of the bin:

So… what you might notice (as I did) is that these scissors are sealed in tear-proof plastic. There is also a plastic pull-tie on the handles. Plastic that you would, you know, need to cut off before use. Need to cut off… with… SCISSORS.

Yeah, that’s right. You need to USE the thing that is sealed in plastic to OPEN the thing that is sealed in plastic. So if you don’t already own a pair of scissors, you are SCREWED. You can never open them. Unless, I guess, you go buy a saw, which ironically are not wrapped in plastic. In fact, the dangerous multi-toothed saws have no protective measures on them at all. 

I guess they’re concerned that someone might hurt themselves while removing the scissors from the large bin of scissors. At first this frustrates me, because as a competent individual who is unlikely to JAM HIS ARM into a vat of scissors to remove a pair, I would frankly like to see those people who are dumb enough to do that DO THAT. Maybe they’d learn a lesson when they removed their arm and found dozens of blades lodged in their flesh. 

But once that frustration passes, okay, I can see the safety issue there, sure. So then maybe DON’T STORE SCISSORS IN A GIANT BIN. Would it kill you to just hang them like you do the saws? Clearly you don’t fear people running over to the saw display and grinding their faces against the jagged edges. Though you probably should, and while we’re on the subject I think you should have a background check on anyone who buys a nail gun, because the other day Fred came home with one without any trouble. Thankfully he didn’t understand that you also needed an air compressor for it to work. (“That’s stupid,” he said, “air is free, I’m not going to pay for it just because it’s in a big metal container!”) The point is, there has to be some other solution than rendering the items you’re selling worthless without having first obtained the item you’re selling. 

Maybe instead of making newly purchased scissors useless without previously purchased scissors to open them with, you could just put up a little sign that says “Hey morons, scissors are sharp.” Surely that will cover all the legal bases for when said morons cut themselves because they didn’t bother reading your sign. And if it doesn’t, well then the legal system is clearly broken and needs reworked. Signs that start with “Hey morons” should be a cover-all against lawsuits.

ABOUT the AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a licensed attorney at law specializing in how to protect yourself from stupid people. His law license may or may not be forged.