Jun 27, 2011

I already bought your stupid stuff, why ruin it?

I’m not going to get into the habit of talking about things I like on this blog, but Doritos are awesome. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. And don’t give me that “opinions can’t be wrong - they’re opinions” nonsense, because that’s just what people who are wrong say to try to be less wrong. Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about the positives of Doritos.

On to the negatives, which is what this blog post is all about.

So, I was in the kitchen the other day, looking for breakfast, and I found a big bag of Cool Ranch Doritos on the counter. Apparently SC had just been grocery shopping and didn’t hide the snacks yet. (He has to hide the snacks because otherwise people eat them instead of the awful fruit and vegetables he also gets. I don’t know why he buys stuff like bananas and broccoli, it doesn’t taste half as good as cupcakes and those little individual pies where you know the filling is just sugar even though it claims to be apples.) So since chips are one of the four basic breakfast food groups, I took the bag with me back to my room and ate them all. It said it was a family sized bag, but I wasn’t about to share. I felt sick halfway through the bag, but again, I was not about to share so I finished them all.
After polishing off the bag as I was laying there having trouble breathing I noticed they had stuff on the back. On the one side was stupid nutrition facts. Nutrition facts are stupid in their own right, but that’s another blog post, don’t get me started on nutrition facts. On the other side was the following text:

I could hardly believe the nonsense I was reading. What kind of idiotic rambling was this? Let’s break it down, because it’s far too much stupidity to take in all at once.

Is it Doritos brand or Cool Ranch brand? Make up your mind. And why did you put those words smaller than the others? Did you think we wouldn’t see them? Did you think it was a clever subtle way to subliminally tell us that Doritos are a brand? It’s not. You would have to be blind not to see that it says brand right there. You didn’t make it small enough if you wanted us to not read it. All you did was make it so it seemed like you were whispering “brand” halfway through the in-your-face propaganda telling me what to do and what I like. And that’s creepy. So to start off your little paragraph to me, you made me feel like you were a creepy crazy person who whispers words halfway through sentences. Like some sort of wild-eyed hobo beckoning from a dark alleyway. This is not going well so far.

I’m happy you put BALLISTIC in red type. Thank you. The word “ballistic” wasn’t extreme enough. By putting it in red you have sold me on just how incredible these chips are. Before I would have been like “Oh, the Doritos brand crunch is powerful!” but now I’m like “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE THANKS TO THE SUPREME POWER OF THE CRUNCH! DOOOOOOOOMED!” Thank you for also putting UNLEASHES in red. It wasn’t enough that you were being over the top with your verbiage there either. In red UNLEASHES means so much more to me. It strikes a chord in my very soul.

Also, an explosion of cool ranch flavor in my mouth? Firstly, I thought it was Cool Ranch BRAND flavor, what happened to that? Or is the flavor not branded? I’m so confused. But more importantly, why do you think that telling me something is going to explode inside me is a good thing to tell me? Isn’t that the sort of thing you want to hide about your product if it does that? How many people go looking for products at the supermarket that might injure them with an internal detonation? You’re doing a bang up job of convincing me not to eat these things, first by scaring me off with dangerous red text and now talking about how flavor is likely to burst through the flesh of my cheeks as I try to provide nourishment to my body. Heaven forbid it actually makes it to my stomach, because who KNOWS what might happen then.

More red words. Great. Maybe here it’s to distract you from the fact that what they just said is that Doritos are sentient beings. It CALLS ITSELF DORITOS brand. So apparently this isn’t the product of a company, but rather a life force which demanded that humans package it up in foil bags and unleash (I’m sorry, UNLEASH) it into the homes of unsuspecting consumers so that it can BALLISTICALLY EXPLODE in their mouths. I must say, that is a superb plan for global domination, and I’m sorry I didn’t think of it first. Then again, I’m not a delicious snack-food alien.


Despite common sense telling me to stop reading this inane marketing trash way back at the second sentence on the bag, I decided to see what great Doritos brand experiences lay in store for me at snackstrongproductions.com. Oh what a fool I was. The “great” experiences that I was invited to be part of were video ads for movies, xbox, and- seriously, I’m not just making things up to be funny- a mental hospital. A BAD mental hospital, from the looks of it, that told me if I went there I was going to die. It was not great. It was not good. It was WATCHING ADVERTISEMENTS.

Doritos, if you weren’t so tasty I would probably never eat you again thanks to what you put on your packaging. But you are, so I will. Even though now I know you are actually intelligent monsters set out to kill us all. 

So, so tasty…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sceb the space chicken is a world famous connoisseur of snack foods and knows what's good and what's not. Anyone who disagrees with him is clearly wrong, whether they want to admit it or not.

Jun 20, 2011

Free money is free. If you don't want it, I'll take yours.

You might notice that this blog is SWIMMING in ads. You might, after noticing this, begin to wonder why if FredtheMonkey.com is ad-free, this blog is not. And at that point you might need to sit down because you are winded from thinking so much.

Look, JKR is like a father to me, and bless his lunatic mind for giving me life. I can’t in good consciousness speak badly about the guy. But frankly, he’s an idiot. Thousands of people come visit that crummy website of his every single day, and he doesn’t bother capitalizing on it! Which is why this blog post is titled “Why people who turn down free money are OUT OF THEIR MINDS.”

If you have the opportunity to get free money and you don’t, what is wrong with you? Maybe you don’t understand how money works. I’ll explain it to you, because I’m a nice guy like that. You use money to buy stuff, like pizza and shoes. If you can get money for free, it is like getting pizza and shoes for free!

From what I understand, some people keep their websites ad-free as some sort of noble gesture because folks who browse the internet prefer not to be drowned in a sea of advertisements. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! If you’re making a website that people want to go to, then who cares what they think? They’re coming to your website already! Like you, who’s reading this now. You’re already here, so what do I care if you’re annoyed that I put up ads? I’m going to make a million dollars! (I actually don’t really understand how putting up ads gets you money, only that it does and I assume it will be roughly a million dollars.) Once I have my million dollars I can pay people to come to my website, so if you’re annoyed it doesn’t matter. In fact, you’re the one missing out at that point because you could be one of the saps I hired to come to my blog and post “Ho ho! Good show old bean! This web log is the best web log I’ve ever read!” in the comments section.

My only issue is that they won’t let me put up MORE ads. Apparently you can’t swap the posting area and the ads in the sidebar to the right there. Think of how many more ads I could put in THIS spot! So, so many… And to be clear, I’m not selling out or anything. That will come later once Nike approaches me about endorsing their basketball shorts or something. Maybe Food Network will offer me my own line of cookware even though cooking for yourself is stupid because you can just go buy precooked food and microwave it. Oh and I’ll probably get my own cereal, and it’s going to be ENTIRELY those little marshmallows.  Scebby’s Charms or something. THEN I’ll be selling out! Mmm, yeah, that’ll be sweet… (Literally, considering the cereal will be 100% tiny little sugar rocks.)

Long story short, you’d be a fool to put up your hands and say “No, I must decline your free buckets of cash because I have some stupid benevolent objection to small rectangles of text.” It’s free and it isn’t hurting anyone. In fact, maybe it’s helping people, because they see the ads and think “I WAS just wondering what happened to my old college roommate and wanted a way to stalk him/her” and click on the link. So really, I’m doing people a favor. I’m practically a SAINT.

Jun 16, 2011

Blogs are stupid. Except this one.

Hey everybody, and welcome to my all new awesome blog, Stupid Stuff is Stupid.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Sceb! You’re totally above doing such commonplace things as blogging or tweeting or using public restrooms!” That’s true, I AM above such things. But then I found out Fred ‘I’m an idiot’ the Monkey has this Facebook account whatchamacallit (which I’m not going to link to, and don’t go looking for it because he doesn’t need any more hits). I didn’t think it was right for him to have a place where it says how many fans he has and me NOT to have a place where it said I had even more fans. Because we all know I have more fans than he does. It’s just the internet or Google or whatever might not know unless I have a fan counter someplace that has a higher number than his. (By the way, become one of my followers on the right side of the screen there or you’re not my friend anymore and also are a jerk.)

So what is “Stupid Stuff is Stupid”? It’s a blog, I would have thought you figured that out by now. I SAID it was a blog in the first paragraph. Did you skip right to the second paragraph or something? Idiot… Specifically it’s a blog written by me, Sceb the space chicken (that’s my picture up in the title image), about how stupid stupid stuff is. (Spoiler warning: Stupid stuff is stupid. But you should still come back and read my posts. Did you click the follow button yet? Just do it already.)

The blog will be updated every single day that starts with the word “Monday” and each post will be about something that is stupid and just how stupid it is on a scale of One to Stupid.(My plan is to use the word stupid so many times that it loses all meaning to you. That will be hilarious. You know, for me.)

Of course, if I don’t update the blog it’s because either I have more followers than Fred (the whole point of doing this blog) or because I didn’t feel like it. So don’t expect me to say another word to you after I get enough followers, or once I find something better to do. This is a temporary thing. I might get sick of it tomorrow. Heck, I might get sick of it halfway through this post! It’s already starting to get annoying. I must have been typing for three or four minutes at this point. What am I, Charles Dickens?

Apparently you can leave comments on blogs. If you want to do that, knock yourself out. No, not like slang for “go ahead” I mean literally knock yourself out for thinking of doing something so pointless. Commenting on a BLOG? You don’t have anything better to do with your time? I’ll give you something better to do, make me a sandwich. Anyway, if you really do want to leave a comment I guess you can do that, but don’t expect me to reply or even read them. I get enough emails from you people for the Mailbag, I don’t need any more ways to interact with you all. We’ll get enough one on one time* after I take over the planet and you’re all my slaves.

*By one on one time, I mean you will be issued daily orders by me on giant TV screens that will be installed on every city block. Not “one on one time” like that we will be having tea together or some garbage.

PS. It would be completely idiotic for you to point out that my negative attitude towards everyone reading this blog is not a good way to get followers or blog readers, because we just discussed** that I’m not going to read your dumb comments.

**By discussed, I mean I told you how it is and you sat and listened, like it should be.

Anyway, welcome to the best blog on the internet, chumps.

About the Author: Sceb the space chicken is an award winning blog-maker who has more talent in his little finger than Fred the Monkey does in three Fred the Monkeys. Which is even more impressive considering Sceb doesn't have fingers.